old dreams

It’s a funny world this. We’re born into a world of endless possibility. Endless. The world is vast and yet smaller than one’s dreams. So we’re sent off to our institutions of learning where we’re taught the impracticality of non conforming dreams and the prudence of following socially acceptable ones and were given the tools to achieve these. At least the lucky ones are. And somewhere down the line, in the frenzy of tool gathering, the old dreams are lost, often taking the gatherer with it, for who is a man, if his dreams aren’t his own?

And as my world grew smaller, and I older, I learned what I could and could not do. The list for the latter grew and grows at a pace that is saddening. It feeds off the former with a burning hunger fed by far too many voices .If only the voices were my own. Perhaps some of them are.

The return of an old friend-II

Funny thing..I saw orions belt a few days back on one of the usual after dinner walks.( i saw him in goa too ..in october... but that was at 5 in the morning).I was just going through some of my old posts to get my mind of the usual worries of life and i saw one post..dated Nov 21 2005.Looks like i saw him last years almost at the same time.And the effect hasnt changed one bit.

just yesterday

I turn 25 tomorrow night .It’ll be the last night I sleep as a 24 yr old. Turning 25 makes me think of my life and where I’m going with a little more seriousness.30 is a long way away. But then so was 20 ..which was just yesterday.

the bottom

Dear friend,
I call you “friend” for there are some thoughts easier conveyed to a friend than to any other. As you read this and as my words become the thoughts that enter your mind, let’s pretend that we are, for this brief moment, friends.
I haven’t lived very long. A quarter of a century does sound long, but as anyone older than you will tell you, it’s certainly not long enough. It is long enough however, to realize one thing. It is the nature of life to be uncertain .Hence I shall not tell you what I know, for “knowing” would imply a degree of certainty. What I can tell you, however, is what I have learned. Accurate or inaccurate, that, I hope, is something that will never be fully answered, at least while I’m still breathing.
There are things in life that can cripple you. It is a part of you that touches you at your core. It may be physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual and anything else in between. It is unlike any fear or phobia. It is unlike anger, happiness, grief, hurt or pain. It is however born from them.
As you start the process of deconstructing this article and its writer, as is the nature of a reader to do, you would come across the obvious question of why. I write this dear friend for the discovery of such a thing will set you free. It’s the deep end of the swimming pool. It’s when you touch the bottom when the pool truly becomes yours.
If any aspect of what I have just said makes sense and you start to wonder what your “thing” is, then chances are you haven’t found it yet.
And I hope one day you will.
With warm regards,
That idiot.

voices

exercise…
Don’t watch tv…
Study …
Concentrate on work…
Quit…(a lot of things)
Read..
Clean..(a lot of thing)
Sleep on time…
Wake up on time…
Don’t wait for the last date..
Plan…
Don’t plan…
Think. not too much.
Eat enough…not too much.
Eat right..
Less coffee…more water.
Smile..
Tidy up…
Call home…
pay your bills …
listen…
save…
grow up. don’t…
don’t waste.
Its not that important. It is
It doesn’t mean much. It does.
It’ll work out. It wont.
Its not always about you.
Focus.
Let go. Don’t.
Shut up.

She knows

I heard her call me today. On the bus.
She knows where I am. and that’s always a good sign.
It won’t be long now …a month or two.. max.
It’ll be good to be back in Goa.

like love

It has been 6 months since my last post. I had lost my will to write. Was it the lack of inspiration? Or was it the absence of non conforming thought?
I cannot say. But, I can say this. I tried …and nothing worked. Self induced depressions, mood alterations and alternators, sad movies, sunsets, stars …the works. They all failed, miserably.
And yet today you see this post…


We all have triggers .Emotions that change ones state of mind. Sadness and melancholy have always worked for me and yet what got me last night was neither. It was hate and vengeance.
They say that hate and vengeance in its true form are like love. They lack sense and logic. I agree.


Last Night.

There is a special joy in going to bed when one is sleep deprived. Comfortable, warm and secure I was on the line that divides us from wonderland. And then the power went out. That’s when it began.
There were three of them. Mosquitoes. They came, like all evil beings do, for no purpose of use. If it was blood they wanted, they could have had it, for I offered it to them, neck and all. Perhaps they wanted to kill me first. What joy they got, dancing around my ear I shall never know. But they did…long, hard and relentless. Close to dawn, alone in the dark…helpless, tired and sleepy I felt myself go insane.
I swore an oath. An oath so solemn and of a nature so grave, I heard heaven go silent. Shaking my fist at the sky, “As God Is My Witness….!!!”...You get the picture.
But I’m not totally insane. I don’t blame ALL mosquitoes. Just those specific three. So when I make it a point to go out of my way and kill any mosquitoes I see…its not cause I think its one of them…its cause I hope they’re related .